Aviation jokes
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There are 18 funny Aviation jokes in this category. |
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US Air Force Maintenance (Added On: 2010-07-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
Sublimation (Added On: 2010-07-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots.
During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept
of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the
intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a
solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage. Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked
if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a
solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer), a previously unknown
section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word
"burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
Tornado Research Grant Proposal (Added On: 2010-07-06 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Thought I'd pass along a grant proposal for important research. The following letter was received by the head meteorologist at the Miami, FL weather service office.Dear Sir:
Last night, my 7 year-old son saw the movie Twister. He has abandoned his dreams of being a train engineer and wants to be a meteorologist. Needless to say he was determined to make an even better tornado studying machine. He wanted to empty his bank account to get a tornado sniffing dog.
I told him that the U.S. Government funded scientific research, and suggested he write for a grant. I thought you may enjoy his efforts, and I know that we would appreciate some kind of reply to his Grant Request.
Thank you for your time.
Dear Sirs:
I want to make an experiment to study tornadoes from the inside. I need a lot of money, so I am asking you for a Grant.
I will need these things:
1 helicopter
5 gallons of gas for the helicopter
5 pilots for the helicopter
1 stewardess to serve cokes
1 dog with a good sense of smell (not too big)
1 crash helmet for the dog
100 cameras
100 empty cans of coke (cut into little wings with a hole in the middle)
10 video cameras
1 Doppler radar
1 truck
1 camper lunch
2 computers (1 with pictures)
100 metal boxes for cameras (with a hole so the camera can see outside)
100 parachutes for the cameras
1 vacation for my family to Oklahoma and Kansas so we can find tornadoes
I think this will probably cost around $5000, so send me the money as soon as you can, so I can find a dog with a good sense of smell to sniff the tornadoes. I promised an old lady that we would bring her a video of the inside of a tornado, so I really need to get started.
Thank you,
Chaille
The intellectuals night before Xmas (Added On: 2010-06-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing various subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer ..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
The loss of engines (Added On: 2010-06-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"
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There are 18 funny Aviation jokes in this category. |
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