Aviation jokes

There are 32 funny Aviation jokes in this category.

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Vanity Plates (Added On: 2012-01-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

PlateICNCYDU
MeaningI see inside you, a radiologist's plate

PlateCYIMBRK
MeaningSee Why I'm broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck

PlateOH2B39
MeaningA woman in her early 50's has had this plate for about the last ten years

PlateYURNEXT
MeaningOn the car of an undertaker

Plate1DFOAL
Meaning"Wonderful" (On a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse)

Plate4SAFETY
MeaningOn a Volvo, what else?

Plate9MPGWOW
Meaning9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille

PlateAV8RX
MeaningAviatrix (female pilot)

PlateKPASAMDK
Meaning(Que) Pasa MD [What's up Doc?]

PlateTOOLONG
MeaningOn a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine, Seattle, WA.

PlateW8N4FRI
MeaningWaitin' for Friday...join the club!

PlateWNDWS95
MeaningWindows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van

PlateXKWIZIT
MeaningExquisite, on a '56 speedster

PlateZMEGOBYU
MeaningSee me go by you!

PlateCME4AD8
MeaningSee me for a date

PlateCME4DK
MeaningSee me for decay, on a dentist's car

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The whole world could be happy (Added On: 2012-01-02 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

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Rattling airplane over Scotland (Added On: 2011-10-31 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The jet plane started to rattle. Quickly, the pilot turned northward. As soon as they crossed the border into Scotland, everything tightened up.

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Perverse Guide to Jobhunting (Added On: 2011-10-19 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The Perverse Guide to Getting Hired
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu

Chapter 1 - The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the
essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to
live in.

To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your
picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph," it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Coordinator," or perhaps a
"Culinary Technician."

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication
Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular
Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."

I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws
himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
Goal-oriented
Forward-thinking
Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Chapter 2 - The Interview

So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider
your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high-
five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:

"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!"

Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
powers, activate!"

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

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The Moose Hunters (Added On: 2011-08-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the Canadian wilderness to bag a moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "You're just a chicken pilot," one hunter said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, he reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." They loaded up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards farther than last year."

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There are 32 funny Aviation jokes in this category.

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