|
Bar jokes
The Pony (Added On: 2010-07-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" $100 (Added On: 2010-07-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A guy walks into a bar and sees a fish tank full of cash in 100's. He walks up to the bartender and asks how he would be able to get that money. The bartender says "well, I have three things for you to do for me. First, theres a guy in a green hat thats been sitting inside my bar and causing trouble, i want you to go out and beat him up and throw him in the back dumpster. Second, theres a dog next to the dumpster that has a sore tooth and has been yelping for help all day, I need you to take care of it. Third, my mom is upstairs in the bedroom. She hasnt had had much "attention" in a while (if you know what I mean), so I'd like for you to help her out on that."The man agreed.First, he takes care of the guy in the green hat inside of the bar and takes him outside and tosses him in the dumpster. Meanwhile, inside, the bartender is listening to whats going on outside and hears a whole bunch of yelling and screaming from the dog for a long time. The man comes running back into the bar, completely out of breath and says "Allright, now where's the woman with the sore tooth?!" Caught by Boyfriend (Added On: 2010-07-16 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed off I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE. The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!" The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?" So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighbourhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady can't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door." "Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'" "So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me." The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point." "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'" "The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm down.' Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either." "Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking." "Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE." "No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET." "No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off." The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?" "Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!!!" Nerdz (Added On: 2010-06-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. ''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?'' ''I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.'' ''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked. ''Why did you do that?'' ''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.'' The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. ''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver. ''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.'' Circus owner in bar (Added On: 2010-05-31 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressedthat he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him onthe pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot
|
|||||
| © Copyright 2009 Lavee LLC. All rights reserved. Disclaimer Read our Privacy Policy | |||||