Bar jokes

There are 152 funny Bar jokes in this category.

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3 bits of string (Added On: 2011-10-22 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said "NO STRINGS ALLOWED." Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink. The bartender said "Can't your read?" and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door. The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well. The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch. Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini. "Say," asked the bartender suspiciously, "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 'Fraid not," replied the string.

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Holey Ice Cubes (Added On: 2011-10-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub."Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass."Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!""Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan."Bin married to one fer fifteen years."

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A drunk orders himself a beer (Added On: 2011-10-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

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Scottish guy walks into a bar in Cuba (Added On: 2011-10-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A scottish guy with the kilt and whole deal walks into a bar in Cuba. He walks up to the bartender and being Scottish he wants to see if he can get a drink for free.

He asks the bartender, "Can ya pour me a wee bit o Scotch?".

"You got money?", asks the bartender.

"Nay, I havna any cash but Ah was hoopin you could spot me wee drrrink.".

"We don't do free drinks!", responds the bartender and promptly ignores him. While thinking about how to swindle a drink a guy comes in with a big bushy beard and a cigar in his mouth.

He walks up to the bar and mutters (in Cuban accent), "Castro's Men" and receives a free beer no questions asked.
v
This happens again, guy with the beard and cigar and so gives the Scottish guy an idea.

He hails the bartender and mutters to him, "Castro's Men".

The bartender looks him up and down and says, "You don't look like you have a beard and cigar!".

The Scottish guy lifts his kilt and says, "Aye! Secrret Serrvice!".

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The Wind (Added On: 2011-10-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

High Above Fifth Ave. and 34th Street

Two men were drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One
turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you
jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor,
the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the
building and back into the window."

The bartender overhears this and just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping down the bar.

The second man says, "What, are you a nut? There is no way in hell that
could happen!"

The first man says, "No, it's true. Let me prove it to you." He gets up from
the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens toward the street below.

When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building
and back into the 10th floor window where he takes the elevator back up to
the bar.

The second man says, "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must
have been a one-time fluke."

The first man says, "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again!" And again he jumps
and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow
drinker to try it.

The second man says, "Well, what the hell, it works, I'll try it." He jumps
over the balcony, plunges downward,
and passes the 14th..13th...12th..11th...
10th...
9th....
8th...
7th...
6th....
5th...
4th...
3rd...
2nd....
1st....
And hits the sidewalk with a splat!!

Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the other drinker and says,"You Know,
Superman. you're a real asshole when you get drunk.

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There are 152 funny Bar jokes in this category.

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