|
Computer jokes
The Last Holdout (Added On: 2012-01-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) (This wasn't written by me or about me. But it might as well have been.) There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you again," I said. "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here." Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. "No," I said. "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask." "Not interested," I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy." "Well, no," the Microsoft man said. "You're the only one." "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no USE for Windows 95." The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said. "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?" "Well, I don't know anything about this "use" thing you're going on about," the Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy." "People without computers?" "Got 'em." "Amazonian Indians?" "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes." "The Amish?" "Check." "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?" "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you." "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?" "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely." "No." "Oh, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me. "No," I said again. "No offense, pal, but I don't NEED it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something." "It did." "Pardon?" "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple." "So what happened?" "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace." "Go away," I said. "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail." "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to Bill." "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said. "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash." "He wouldn't do that," I said. "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident." "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?" "Terrible. There's an active volcano there." "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said. "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?" The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me. "'Windows 95... For Pets'?!?!?" "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said. I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing. The programmers cheer (Added On: 2012-01-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Shift to the left, shift to the right!Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! Windows TP - the telepathic operating system (part 1) (Added On: 2012-01-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Microsoft announces beta relase of Windows TP REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide. Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer the data. Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months. Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing every day. CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail address: A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right arm says, "Billy G's the Man for Me.") Originally from Dave Coble An IBM acronym (Added On: 2012-01-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess True Computer Illiteratcy (Added On: 2012-01-07 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her efective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,"the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
|
|||||
| © Copyright 2009 Lavee LLC. All rights reserved. Disclaimer Read our Privacy Policy | |||||