Doctor jokes

There are 37 funny Doctor jokes in this category.

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An M.D. In Hell (Added On: 2010-07-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife. Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect. Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather hellish. Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it. Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch. With trepidation he opened door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and proclaimed, "I'll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSES' Hell!"

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Actual stupid questions asked (Added On: 2010-07-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?Q: What happened then?A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."Q: Did he kill you?Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?Q: She had three children, right?A: Yes.Q: How many were boys?A: None.Q: Were there any girls?Were you alone or by yourself?Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?A: That's me.Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?A: Yes.Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?A: By death.Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?A: I'll be three months on March 12th.Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?A: Yes.Q: What were you doing at that time?Do you have any children or anything of that kind?Was that the same nose you broke as a child?Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?A: I used to be.Q: How many times have you committed suicide?So, you were gone until you returned?You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?A: Not yet.A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

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Must See Annual Sale (Added On: 2010-07-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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Funniest One Liners (Added On: 2010-07-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasmEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet enginesEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseI'm not cheap, but I am on special this weekI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we metI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolI intend to live forever - so far, so goodI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesQuantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made ofSupport bacteria - they're the only culture some people haveThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

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Testosterone (Added On: 2010-07-07 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

Steve Losen
University of Virginia Academic Computing Center

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There are 37 funny Doctor jokes in this category.

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