Ethnic jokes

There are 112 funny Ethnic jokes in this category.

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Settling the Dispute (Added On: 2010-07-31 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

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Native American trades (Added On: 2010-07-26 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?" "Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book. "Don't know of collateral." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "I don't know; it has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put it in my pocket." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked. "I don't know of deposit." "Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

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What do you say to (Added On: 2010-07-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

What do you say to an [ethnic] with a job?

- "Burger and Fries please."

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Polish Police Reports (Added On: 2010-07-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

These snippets from Polish Police reports - purported to be true - have been translated and submitted to another list by Andrzej Zychla

The corpse was very well-exposed - nicely arranged into the door frame.
The investigation was hindered because the pig had already been consumed.
The suspect relieved himself - soiling his trousers in order to escape responsibility.
I curtailed my investigation due to the fact that the couple was in need of medico-sexual attention.
Throwing water on the victim did not help - the deceased remained dead.
On the road lay a dead dog, and next to its probable owner - also dead.
With the drunken woman was found a sober infant.
Careful investigation revealed that the sack was empty due to the fact that it contained a hole.
The victim was kicked in the sitting part of her body.
The victim does not admit to guilt due to personal reasons and his own opinion.
The victim was driven to the hospital to be placed in its morgue.
A crowned eagle was desecrated on my head.
I repeatedly emphasize that the police foot patrol is in no state to effectively apprehend the fleeing automobile.
He had been hiding in the dumpster, which resulted in his stinking so intensely that even the police dog made a face.
On patrolling the streets, I noticed calm.
The owner struck the horse until death.
At the scene of the crime I discovered three corpses, two of which showed signs of life in the form of curses, the third being completely deceased.
In the forest we found trees, bushes and other objects of unknown origin.
It was a dog of Alsatian make.
The investigated person had seen neither the suspect nor anything else due to the fact that he was blind.
The suspect beat his wife with whom he had five children with the help of a bit of string.

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NutWorks Dating Issue (Added On: 2010-07-14 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

[Ed: A good issue with an above average number of acceptable bits ]

Selections from:
NutWorks Electronic Humor Magazine.

Issue022, (Volume VI, Number II). February, 1988.
Special Valentine's Day Issue!

NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>

"Shower the people you love with love."
--James Taylor
"Shower with the people you love."
--Anonymous

Lover's Quiz #1
===============
by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing
(Dave got paid a lot more, though)

Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know
how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score yourself
as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for
each C, and 10 points for each D.

1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing
to spend?
A. Guest meal at campus dining services
B. $5.00 for a few slices
C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops
D. The price of your physics textbook

2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first
course of action is to:
A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation
B. Use one of your favorite lines
C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend
D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag
him/her back to your friend's single

3. Your definition of "blue balls" is:
A. A solid and a stripe in billiards
B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag
C. A painful need for a cold shower
D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics
textbook

4. If she says, "no" she means:
A. No
B. Probably not
C. Yes
D. She's gagged and can't answer

5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment
A. 0-10
B. 11-14
C. 15-19
D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card

6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day:
A. 2 min.
B. 4 min.
C. 6 min.
D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics

7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day
A. 2-5 min.
B. 5-7 min.
C. 7-10 min.
D. Fall asleep with it

8. Qualifications for your blind date:
A. No imperfections
B. No boy/girlfriend
C. No particular desire to be seen with you
D. No sarcoma

9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date:
A. Sunsets
B. Bork
C. How he/she's doing
D. Robotics

10. Typical conclusion to blind date:
A. Bought a futon together
B. Got phone number
C. Lost him/her in crowd
D. Temporary restraining order

Results:
10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte).
21-40 Things could be better.
41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions.
61-100 Yessir, maybe a nocturnal trip to the petting zoo is in order.

How to Get a Date
=================
by the Jabberwock <PM107>
submitted by JRP

How to Get the Man/Woman/Other(please state) of your Choice

First locate your target. Your best chance of doing this is by going
to one of those wild parties which result in pairs of bodies being strewn
all over the stairs within a couple of hours of starting. However, since
I never get invited to that sort of party, I'm blowed if I can see why I
should help those of you who do. So I won't. So there.

Having located your target, the next step is to find out where said
target lives. This is easily done by following her/him until you reach a
door which they go in and lock. This will either be their room or the
bathroom, and if you can't tell the difference then you're beyond hope.

Next you need to establish contact. Knock on the target's door, and
when it is opened, say, "Excuse me, but I wanted to leave a message for
so-and-so upstairs, but he/she/it isn't in. Can I borrow a pen and paper
to leave a note please?" Having borrowed this, make sure that you leave
something behind when you go. This means that you can go back and
collect it sometime.

DANGER SIGNS: A wedding or engagement ring.
A photo of a stunning individual by the bed.
The presence of a stunning individual in the bed.
A very rapid ushering out of the room.
Phrases such as, "Get lost, you pervert!"

GOOD SIGNS: Him/her/it falling into your arms on your next visit.
A return visit armed with red rose.

As you can see, there are more danger signs than good signs, so if at
first you don't succeed, don't worry...there are plenty more toads in the
bog! A good strategy is ending up on the doorstep looking very pathetic,
which can get you invited in for a coffee so you can work on your chat-up
lines. One line you should never use if you want to leave their room
with the same number of limbs as you went in with is, "Do you come here
often?" It is the target's room after all.

HAPPY HUNTING!!!

Lover's Quiz #2
===============
by Jazzman

A questionnaire to test your Valentine's Day eligibility. Section One is
for women, Section Two for men.

Section One (Women):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a movie, and then straight home (+5)
B) to Burger King, to a drive-in, then to his place for
a few drinks (+10)
C) anywhere that no one can see or hear what we do (+15)

2. When I get into the car on a date, I sit:
A) across the seat, more or less melting into the door (-5)
B) next to my date (+10)
C) on my date's lap (+15)

3. When my date tries to put his arm around me, I:
A) firmly remove his arm and tell him that I'm not that
kind of girl (-5)
B) move cautiously closer to him (+5)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long, fun-filled
evening (+15)

4. When I kiss on a Valentine's date, I:
A) do not kiss on Valentine's dates (-5)
B) kiss goodnight at my door (no tongues) (+0)
C) consider this only the beginning of a long,
fun-filled evening (+15)

5. If asked out for a second date after Valentine's, I:
A) blush, ask him to call me later, and call home
to ask permission from my mom (-10)
B) consider his motives and accept if I find them
within the realm of my morals (+10)
C) consider his performance and accept if he
played three or more encores (+20)

Scoring for Women:

-20 TO 10 POINTS: Oh please. You couldn't get a date if you paid for
one. You should consider interspecies dates as your
only available option for romance.

15 TO 65 POINTS: You're interested in men but are either too shy or
emotionally unstable. A Valentine's date for you is a
horror of hand-slapping and cautious drink-sipping.
Relax. It's just an innocent date. Trust me!

70 TO 105 POINTS: Yah! Love ya! You consider nylons and garter belts
kinky but don't think twice about wearing black
leather, rubber clothing, or whipping your chained
partner into submission. There's nothing I could teach
you about dating that you don't already know. Hit me
with your best shot!

Section Two (Men):

1. When on a date, I like to go:
A) to a quiet dinner, a PG movie, and have her home by 11 (-5)
B) out for a beer and then back to my place and pass out together (+5)
C) back to my place for erotic fun (+15)

2. When I pick her up, I:
A) remind her to fasten her seatbelt (-10)
B) make conversation by inquiring about her class schedule (+5)
C) remove the beer cans from under her feet and attack
her while telling her how much I respect her (+15)

3. My dates usually say:
A) "Have you ever done this before?" (-10)
B) "Wake up, dammit! I'm not through yet!" (-5)
C) "Let's try one more time and make it an even dozen!" (+20)

4. When I kiss my Valentine's date, I:
A) don't try to kiss my date, I don't wish to compromise her integrity
or give her the wrong impression of my motives (-10)
B) kiss her goodnight and tell her what a great time I
had (even if I didn't) (+5)
C) seldom stop until I've reached her ankles (+15)

5. When I ask her for date following Valentine's, I:
A) respect her desire to contemplate our relationship
and agree to call her after she has had an opportunity
to consider her position and make a responsible decision (-5)
B) wonder what I'm going to get on the next date if she
kissed on the first one (+5)
C) ask her during breakfast in bed (+15)

Scoring for Men:

-25 TO 10 POINTS: You're too old-fashioned for the women of the 80's.
Sex is a mystery to you and you bore the hell out of
your mother. Do yourself and the world a favor: commit
yourself to Depo-Provera treatments and become an
accountant.
15 TO 65 POINTS: You enjoy women but havn't quite figured out what
any woman could possibly see in you. Good point. It's
not hopeless, however, with a little work and effort,
you too could soon be on your way to successful
dating.
65 TO 100 POINTS: You're a man of the world who is well versed in the
art of give and take. You know what a woman wants and
you're not afraid to give it to her. You lead a hard
and arduous life trying to satisfy the many women
around you. You'll make an excellent Valentine date
for any mature woman.

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There are 112 funny Ethnic jokes in this category.

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