Foul Language jokes

There are 195 funny Foul Language jokes in this category.

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The Pianist (Added On: 2012-01-26 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter
over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says. The
waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you
refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon
as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager
of this bastarding joint?" "Yes sir, I am", replies the manager but I would
prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are
private parties and clients entertaining in here."

The bloke replies "Fuck you anus features, where's the fucking piano?"

The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

"Where's the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid
cunt?"

"Ah", says the manager, "You've come about the pianist job out of the paper."

"Too fucking right", the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to
speak into the microphone.

"Can you play any blues?" the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That's superb",
gasps the manager, "What is it called?"

"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock
end", replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. "Oh, do you know any jazz?" asks the manager a
bit perplexed.

The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Absolutely magnificent", cries the manager, "What is that called?"

"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder
drawer", replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. "Oh I say, do you know any
romantic ballads?" asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most
heartbreaking melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager, "What is
that one called?"

"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring
piece", replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the bloke's language but is so moved by his music
that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any
of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke
gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff
toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke
retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift
one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck
is that fucking pianist?"

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing
some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers
"Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling
jissum all over your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!"

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The Splice (Added On: 2012-01-22 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?"

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

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Do you suck? (Added On: 2011-12-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew the rug - and the woman - over the railing. "God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?""No!" she shrieked, aghast. So he dropped her.As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you fuck?" he asked."Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her too.The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck!, I fuck!" she screamed in panic."Slut," he said... and dropped her.

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23 Things You Would Never Hear Your Wife Say (Added On: 2011-12-21 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy?
Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
That was a great fart! Please do another one?
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
You're so sexy when you're hung over.
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
Let's subscribe to Hustler?
Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses?
I'll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday too.
Honey ... our new neighbors daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
No, No I'll take the car and have the oil changed.
Your mother is way better than mine.
Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
I fully understand ... our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
Not the fucking mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip joint?
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
God ... if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.

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Nutty Problem (Added On: 2011-12-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful."

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

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There are 195 funny Foul Language jokes in this category.

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