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Foul Language jokes
Little Talk On Plane (Added On: 2011-12-07 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she ways quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his fucking ass to the moon." The History of Music (adultish and ethnish) (Added On: 2011-12-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) In the beginning there was silence. Then God whistled. He whistled one whole note each day for seven days, and thus was the universe created, and also the musical scale. When God whistled, it wasn't the way we whistle. It was a really big, really loud, perfectly toned whistle that moved at the speed of light and created planets and civilizations in the wake of its vibrations. And God listened after the seventh note and heard that it was good. And He said, "Damn, I like that tune." So he put on his headphones and lay back and grooved on the sounds and echoes of the universe ringing with feedback from the first solo. For millions of eons, He grooved, until one day He got up, took off the headphones, and said, "This riff is getting stale, and no one is dancing." But that was because He hadn't created anyone yet, and realizing this, He said, "Let there be Negroes with funky souls who can shimmy and sway to my sounds," and there were. But the Negroes just couldn't get into the same old scale over and over, so they said to God, "Hey, give us some one-four-five blues-type progressions so we can get down," and He did. And it was good. And they jammed and danced and sang naturally and with carefree abandon for millions and millions of years. Some of the Negroes, however, weren't into that scene. They preferred to sit in the shade reading books about math and science and other boring subjects while their brothers danced and played and made love in the sun. Because He considered them indolent, God took away their fine skin color and made them into white men. As this peculiar sect of white Negroes developed, they gradually lost their ability to dance and be free and natural with their bodies and they gave birth to withered, colorless babies, many of whom grew up to be accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians, and then it was 1950. God looked around and saw He had to do something before it was too late, so He created "rock" music. And the skinny, withered, colorless babies of the accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians of the fifties plucked their guitars, banged on their tambourines, and wailed into the void and became the superstars of the eighties. And God saw what He had created and put his headphones back on and said, "Fuck it." DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE !!! Little Jonny and the word Lovely (Added On: 2011-11-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) One day in school the teacher is giving the class an English lesson. She asks if anyone can give her a sentence with the word 'Lovely' in it twice. The Truth of Marriage (Added On: 2011-11-14 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. The F word (Added On: 2011-11-08 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Little Johnny is in the first grade and is told by the teacher he's going to be in the class play. He tells her: "No, I won't be in the class play." The teacher says: "You have to be in the class play." He tells her: "No, I won't be in the class play." She says: "Look, if you're not in the class play, you'll break your mother's heart. I know how you feel so I'll give you the easiest part. All you have to say is ' Hark, there's hope for her soul. I'll snatch a kiss and steal off in the night. Shakespeare.'" Reluctantly the kid agrees. On the big night his moment comes. The stage lights are on him, his mother smiles and Johnny says: "Hark, there's soap in her hole. I'll kiss her snatch and beat off in the night. Snakeshit ... er ... Spereshit ... er ... Oh, fuck it. I didn't want to be in the play in the first place."
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