General jokes

There are 2816 funny General jokes in this category.

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The Helpful Priest (Added On: 2012-02-06 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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Labour Pains (Added On: 2012-02-06 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer, by kinetic
energy, a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor
of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying
that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband
continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out
the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the
pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and
her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the milkman dead on their porch.

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Rules To Be A Man (Added On: 2012-02-06 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing...

1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. lie.

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.

13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask.

14. Women like it when you ignore them.

15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22. Say things like, "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. Lie.

33. Make up something to lie about to stay in practice. Improvise.

34. Did I mention that you should be able to lie.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Never listen.

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. This is a good place to mention you should be able to lie.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Blame everything on PMS.

53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?

59. You are male, therefore you want quality.

60. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.

61. Lie.

62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?

64. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

66. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.

67. Lie.

68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

69. Lie.

70. General Rule: Different is BAD.

71. If anyone asks you for a favor... make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

72. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling.

73. Lie. (true story.)

74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

75. Lie.

76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.

77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.

78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.

79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."

80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.

81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.

82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.

83. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.

84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.

85. Be early for everything or don't show up at all.

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Did you hear about the blind man that went bungee jumping? (Added On: 2012-02-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Scared the crap out of the dog

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My daughters a good girl! (Added On: 2012-02-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady!
Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

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There are 2816 funny General jokes in this category.

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