General jokes

There are 2816 funny General jokes in this category.

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Breeding roaches (Added On: 2012-02-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The following is true - the whole story can be found on p. 101 of the July Scientific American:

S.C.Johnson Corporation, maker of Raid, breeds 80,000 roaches a week to test its products on. It maintains a number of different breeds, including some pesticide-resistant ones.

One of the most resistant is called HRDC. These almost unkillable roaches are so named because they were collected from the halls of the House of Representatives in the District of Columbia.

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Learning about observation (Added On: 2012-02-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'.
He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is
urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell,
sight and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into
his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.
But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed,
and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put
it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If
anyof you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put
my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

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The top 15 euphemisms for presidential stains (Added On: 2012-02-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Poll Results
Foreign Body Relations Sub-Committee
Stain of the Union on Dress
Executive Dribblage
One Less Stanford Tuition
That About Which Hillary Was Not Consulted
Friendly Fire
The Intern's Nametag
Heir Force One
Results of Post-Erection Euphoria
Troop Pullout Lateral Casualties
Billy Jack
Leak from the White House Staff
Citizen Stain

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Story about Neely Dunn (Added On: 2012-02-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There was this man who was about to go on a trip to England. The day before he left he asked his next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dunn, if she wanted anything from England.

'Yes', she said. 'Could you please find my son Neely. He's been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me. Ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but he never seems to be in. Anyway, here's his address.' And on a back of a handy envelope she scribbled:

Neely Dunn
WC1
London, England.

The next day, the man embarked on his journey. The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when he saw a sign saying 'WC'.

He entered the room, and saw that it was a washroom. He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door and said: - 'Are you Neely Dunn?'

'Yes, but I ran out of paper', came the reply.

'Well, that's no excuse not to write your mother!!'

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Cartoon Laws of Physics (Added On: 2012-02-02 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in
mid air, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this
point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are
so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called
this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of
victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so
eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving
a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably
unsuccessful.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character
who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several
places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of
self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to
achieve the velocity required.

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is
known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an
opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The
painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the
painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-
pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a
few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or
solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Everything falls faster than an anvil.

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.

A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

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There are 2816 funny General jokes in this category.

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