General jokes

There are 1415 funny General jokes in this category.

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Mark Your Calendar (Added On: 2010-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U....

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Why Being a Prostitute is Better than Being a Computer Consultant (Added On: 2010-07-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

You get to choose your clients
Hotel, etc. expenses are directly billed
You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for you.
No dress code
Close client interaction at all times
You are working nights anyway
Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule
Continual feedback - every two hours or so
Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be)
Either way you are still getting screwed

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Three elderly women (Added On: 2010-07-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, theirconversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one.

Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."

The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?"

"And is he a professional?" demanded the second.

"Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And notonly that, he's gay."

Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well."

This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained.

"He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street."

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Little Johnny Rides (Added On: 2010-07-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Creationism FAQ (Added On: 2010-07-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

WARNING FOR THE HUMOR IMPAIRED--THIS IS SATIRE

These are smilies :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
Use them liberally where indicated.

There has been a considerable call for a Creationist FAQ, which
doesn't seem to be forthcoming in any great hurry. In the interests
of facilitating matters I have decided to jump the gun and provide
a provisional Creationist FAQ. Regard this as a provisional effort;
I am not an expert in these matters and may have erred in a few small
details. Criticisms and suggestions for improvement are welcome.
Speculations on my private life will be met with dignified silence.

Q: What is the principle evidence for Creationism?
A: The Holy Bible, of course. After all, is it likely that the author
of the Universe would be mistaken about its age?

Q: But isn't the Bible religion and not science?
A: Truth is truth. It's a poor sort of science that ignores truth.

Q: But isn't there a lot of evidence for evolution?
A: Not really, most of it is from university professors writing papers
for each other. If they didn't write papers they wouldn't have jobs.

Q: How big was Noah's ark?
A: Big enough.

Q: But what about radioactive dating?
A: Hey, everybody knows that stuff is bad for you. Stick with good
Christian girls.

Q: What about the fossil evidence?
A: The real fossils are university professors writing papers for each
other.

Q: Is there any other evidence for Creationism besides the Bible?
A: Yes.

Q: Can you give us some?
A: Yes.

Q: Could you give us a specific example?
A: Yes.

Q: What be a specific example of evidence for Creationism?
A: I've already answered that question.

Q: What about the Antarctic ice core data?
A: Now I put it to you. Coop up a bunch of men in a Quonset hut in the
worst weather in the world, with nothing to do but gather data and
drink, and what do you expect?

Q: Did the dinosaurs coexist with man?
A: Look, the liberals were preaching coexistence with the Communists,
and you saw what happened to them.

Q: Should Creationism be taught along with Evolution in the schools?
A: Creationism should be taught instead of Evolution in the schools.

Q: Doesn't the Geologic Column prove that the Earth is very old?
A: The geologic column proves that some things are on top of other things
and some things are underneath other things. But we already knew that,
didn't we.

Q: Hasn't Evolution been demonstrated in the laboratory?
A: Students are demonstrating everywhere these days. To their shame,
many professors are demonstrating also.

Q: Aren't Hawiian wallabies an example of Evolution in action?
A: No.

Q: Why not?
A: Because they aren't.

Q: What is a kind?
A: A kind is cards of the same rank. Thus 4 aces and a king are four
of a kind, but four spades and a heart are not.

Q: Doesn't genetic variation indicate that life has been going on a long time?
A: Let's be up front about this. That's deviation, not variation, and yes,
there is a lot of deviancy out there. That just shows that there has been
a lot of Sin since the garden of Eden.

Q: What about Neanderthal Man?
A: Hey, you take one of those geezers and put him in tweeds and give him a
pipe and he could be a professor anywhere.

Q: Some scientists state that the earth's continents are drifting
around on top of a molten interior which has shaped life as we
see it now. Are they right?
A: As you well know the Bible says that beneath the surface of the
earth is Hell where there is eternal fires and brimstone. If
the continents appear to be moving around that is Satan's doing.

Q: Why do almost all of the scientists believe in Evolution?
A: The real scientists don't. As for the rest of them, that's a very good
question, isn't it?

Q: Are you talking about a Satanic conspiracy?
A: Did I say anything about a conspiracy? You might want to think about
the shape the world is in since the Evolutionists and the Liberal
Humanists captured academia and Evolution is hand in hand with Godless
Communism and crime in the streets but I certainly wouldn't want to
say anything about a Satanic conspiracy. I just want you to think
about it with an open mind.

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There are 1415 funny General jokes in this category.

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