Genie jokes

There are 21 funny Genie jokes in this category.

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Duel Genie (Added On: 2010-04-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A guy was walking down the beach and found a bottle and picked it up. A genie appeared and said, "Thank you for releasing me. As a reward I will grant you 3 wishes."
So the man said, "I wish for a million dollars." and he got a million dollars. The man said, "I wish for a luxury car," and he got a luxury car. The genie said, "Before you make your third wish, I must tell you I am a duel genie. Whatever you wish for, your wife gets double that. She's already got 2 million dollars and 2 luxury cars. Do you want to make a third wish?"

"Yeah," said the man, "Beat me half to death!"

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The Russian Genie (Added On: 2010-02-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.

She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

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Metaphysical Downsizing (Added On: 2009-11-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there. Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant -- decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof -- ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.

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The bear and the rabbit (Added On: 2009-11-04 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

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Down at the local (Added On: 2009-10-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

I was in my local pub a few weeks ago when a stranger walked in with a big ostrich behind him. He grabbed a stool at the end of the bar, and as he sat down a small cat jumped up on the stool beside him. Seamus went over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and asked, "What can I get you folks?"

The man said, "I'll have a pint of best," and turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a pint as well" replied the ostrich.

The stranger looked at the cat and said, "I suppose you want a drink too."

The cat responded, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So Seamus pulled two and a half pints, and says "That'll be four pounds forty, please."

The man reached into his pocket, felt around and, to both the landlord's and my surprise, pulled out exactly the right change. A while later, the same thing happened, and the man pulled the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat returned. "I'll have a pint of best," said the man.

"Same for me," piped up the ostrich, and the cat ordered up a half. "But I ain't fookin' payin'!"

Repeat of the previous day. The bloke paid each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This became almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio entered again. "Usual?" asked Seamus.

"Well", said the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turned to the ostrich inquiringly.

The bird said, "I'll have a large scotch as well."

The cat said, "I'll have a small scotch, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

The publican rang up the drinks and turned, with a sly grin. "That'll be seven pounds ninety, please." To his amazement, the man pulled the exact seven pounds ninety out of his pocket.

As the trio were finishing their drinks, Seamus could contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket ... every time?"

"Well, it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

That's fantastic", said our host. "What did you wish for?"

"Well, whenever I need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant" observed Seamus, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether its a pint of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

By this time my curiosity finally got the better of me, so I chimed in, "One last thing, sir. Err, your friends there ... We don't get many cats drinking in here, and as for the ostrich ..."

The man looked glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

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There are 21 funny Genie jokes in this category.

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