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Genie jokes
Down at the local (Added On: 2009-10-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) I was in my local pub a few weeks ago when a stranger walked in with a big ostrich behind him. He grabbed a stool at the end of the bar, and as he sat down a small cat jumped up on the stool beside him. Seamus went over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and asked, "What can I get you folks?" The man said, "I'll have a pint of best," and turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" replied the ostrich. The stranger looked at the cat and said, "I suppose you want a drink too." The cat responded, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!" So Seamus pulled two and a half pints, and says "That'll be four pounds forty, please." The man reached into his pocket, felt around and, to both the landlord's and my surprise, pulled out exactly the right change. A while later, the same thing happened, and the man pulled the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat returned. "I'll have a pint of best," said the man. "Same for me," piped up the ostrich, and the cat ordered up a half. "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of the previous day. The bloke paid each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This became almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio entered again. "Usual?" asked Seamus. "Well", said the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turned to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird said, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat said, "I'll have a small scotch, but I ain't fookin' payin'!" The publican rang up the drinks and turned, with a sly grin. "That'll be seven pounds ninety, please." To his amazement, the man pulled the exact seven pounds ninety out of his pocket. As the trio were finishing their drinks, Seamus could contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket ... every time?" "Well, it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes." That's fantastic", said our host. "What did you wish for?" "Well, whenever I need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's brilliant" observed Seamus, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a pint of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!" By this time my curiosity finally got the better of me, so I chimed in, "One last thing, sir. Err, your friends there ... We don't get many cats drinking in here, and as for the ostrich ..." The man looked glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." Husband and the Genie (Added On: 2009-06-08 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp. Rub the lamp (Added On: 2009-05-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstacy. For my last wish... "I'd like to give birth to twins". The bridge (Added On: 2009-05-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel! No. Think of another wish." The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy..." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" A Russian is strolling down (Added On: 2009-03-14 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka. I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so please turn my urine into vodka."The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells theliquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pees into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead andtakes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is still excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard so they can have some fun. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass tonight?"Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."
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