Golf jokes

There are 39 funny Golf jokes in this category.

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The Rules of Bedroom Golf (Added On: 2011-07-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire
the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and
bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being
played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for
this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful
in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of
play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else
is playing what they considered a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

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Playing Blind (Added On: 2011-06-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

" I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

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The Engineer at the Golf Course (Added On: 2011-03-19 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!""Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."The group was silent for a moment.The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. (Added On: 2011-01-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

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If at first (Added On: 2010-09-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting
in the sun, sipping iced tea.

Younger guy says - "Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How
about it if you join me for a round of golf."

"Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it."

"Well then," younger fellow asks "how about a swim? It might be
just as refreshing as your iced tea there."

"Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it.
But if you're game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is
usually up for a game or two - you might want to play with him."

Younger fellow replies: "Your only child I presume?"

Rob Peck

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There are 39 funny Golf jokes in this category.

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