Holiday jokes

There are 131 funny Holiday jokes in this category.

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Norwegian ambassador. (Added On: 2012-01-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

This joke could be offensive to Norwegians, but I can assure you it's not.
Any Norwegian reader would just tell an even better joke about a Swede instead.

Read in a book about the Joke-war between Norway and Sweden.

It's mid December some year, and Norway has had a new ambassador in the USA
for about a month. He is, as a matter of fact not only new as ambassador
to the USA, he is a novice ambassador of any sort.

He is just about getting familiar with his
work, but he's not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..

- Yees... he says, a bit confused. (His phone hardly ever rings.)

- Good morning Mr Ambassador. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times.
I'd like to know what you want for a Christmas present.

- Eh, Sveind (Yes, that's his name) said. Christmas present... Eh...
I'm very sory Mike, I can't accept any gifts, but tanks anyway.

- Yes, of course... I understand, said Mike with a voice telling a deaf he
didn't understand at all, Bye then.

- Good bye Mike.

The day goes a usual. Sveind thought this was a bit unusual, but he soon
forgot about it, and went back to the normal ambassadoring.

The next morning the phone rings again.

- Yes, Sveind speaking.

- Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm
wondering if you're really serious about what you said yesterday?

- Ah.. Hello... Eh. Yes, unfortunately I meant it. You see, ve're not
allowed to accept personal gifts. They could be seen as bribes, and
I don't vant to cause any scandal. I'm very sorry, but I hope you understand.

- Yes, of course.. Sorry... Bye.

- Good bye.

That was funny, Sveind thought. Didn't he believe what I said? Maybe some
misunderstanding. After all my pronunciation isn't the best.

The next morning the phone rings again.

- Yes, Sveind heere.

- Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano again. I suppose you know what I want?

- Yes I know vhatt you want, Sveind said, not without irritation. I thought I
explained vhy I can't accept any gifts.

- Yes you did, but I don't think you....

- Yes I understand, Sveind said, quite angrily. I understand perfectly vell.
Vhat do you vant really? Do you vant to get rid of me, or vhat? Anyvay, you
von't have any success, I will go strictly by the book. No... Vait a
minute. Now I know. I vant a fruit bowl (He is sure a fruit bowl
is absolutely harmless, and won't cause any scandal.)

- A fruit bowl?? Are you serious??

- Yes. A fruit bowl. Is there anything vrong vith a fruit bowl?

- No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe..

- Unusual?? Vell that doesn't matter, does it?

- No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye.

- Good bye, and eh, Merry Christmas.

A few days later, this could be read in the New York Times.

What the foreign ambassadors here want for Christmas

During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies here, and asking
the ambassadors what they want for Christmas. This is the result.

EUROPEAN COUNTRIES:

Great Britain. Good economic welfare.
Western Germany. Even better east-west relations
France. Free trade between Europe and USA.
Switzerland. Better European cooperation, and better US relations.
Sweden. End of the starvation in the third world.
Belgium. Better environmental care.
Norway. A fruit bowl.

Mike Giordano.

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The Christmas diet song (Added On: 2012-01-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash tore open the icebox then threw up the sash. The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.When what to my wandering eyes should appear: a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear; On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.From the top of the scales to the top of the hall now dash away pounds now dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.My droll little mouth and my round little belly they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.And laying a finger beside my heartburn I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry if temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.And I mumbled again as I turned for the night in the morning I'll starve . . . 'til I take that first bite.

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Whats the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck story? (Added On: 2012-01-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Q: What's the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck story?

A: A fairy tale begins "once upon a time," while a redneck story begins "you guys ain't gonna believe this, but ..."

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December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving (Added On: 2011-12-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7Debug Windows '2000 December 10Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11Lay Faberge egg.December 12Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 19Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock. December 24Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27Build snowman in exact likeness

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The Sins of Leroy (Added On: 2011-12-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided

that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well

Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy

you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for

one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He

finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.

Your Friend,

Leroy

Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he

ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,

I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.

Your Truly,

Leroy

Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried

again.

Dear Jesus,

I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?

Leroy

Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his

mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of

almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and

went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the

way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally

found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt

down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got

up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of

a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it

under his bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus,

I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!

Sincerely,

You know who

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There are 131 funny Holiday jokes in this category.

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