Holiday jokes
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There are 80 funny Holiday jokes in this category. |
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Grandma got ran over by a reindeer (Added On: 2010-08-26 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
by Irish Rovers (1986?)Grandma got run over by a reindeerWalking home from our house Christmas eve.You can say there's no such thing as Santa,But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,And we'd begged her not to go.But she'd left her medication,So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin',At the scene of the attack.There were hoof prints on her forehead,And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Grandma go run over by a reindeer,Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.You can say there's no such thing as Santa,But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,He's been takin' this so well.See him in there watchin' football,Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.All the family's dressed in black.And we just can't help but wonder:Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.You can say there's no such thing as Santa,But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now the goose is on the tableAnd the pudding made of pig.And a blue and silver candle,That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig.
I've warned all my friends and neighbours."Better watch out for yourselves."They should never give a license,To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.You can say there's no such thing as Santa,But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Personal ads explained (Added On: 2010-08-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
How honest are people likely to be in describing themselves or what they seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the most commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns, in the UK.
AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHTSchoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.
ARTISTLikes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot of dope and talks nonsense about Esixentialist Espressionism.
ATTRACTIVEUgly.
AVERAGE HEIGHTFor a pygmy.
BEAUTIFULHer mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl. That was 45 years ago.
BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHTDirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.
BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT"Bonding" is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.
BUSINESSMANOld, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.
BUXOMExceptionally so. Sagging, too.
CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHTSponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.
CAR-OWNINGOwns a 1958 Morris Minor.
CINDERELLA SEEKS PRINCE CHARMINGMousy dishwasher seeks a man, any man.
CIVIL ENGINEERPlays with Meccano.
COLOUR IMMATERIALSexy black girl sought.
COLOUR AND APPEARANCE IMMATERIALSexy black girl with stupendous backside sought.
COMMITTEDPossessive. Control Freak.
COMPANY DIRECTOR, JAGUAR, YACHT, PENTHOUSE, ETC.If normal, does not need to advertise. Expect: illegal perversions, 3ft 6ins tall, Nazi war criminal, etc.
COMPUTERS, INTERESTED INPeople, NOT interested in.
COUNTRY COTTAGERun-down hovel without main facilities, miles from anywhere. Wants cook and housekeeper, without having to pay for it.
CREATIVEOnce went to pottery evening classes.
CUDDLYMan: bearded, drinks prodigious quantities of real ale.Woman: has six children - breast-feeds them in restaurants.
DEEP RELATIONSHIPInsert "throat" in above sentence, for more accurate meaning.
DINING, INTERESTED INMan: makes obscene passes at mealtable, gets paralytically drunk, throws up in partner's lap.Woman: see "Large".
DISCREETMarried.
DIVORCEDSeparated, and going through a very messy divorce.
DRIVES PORSCHEGarage mechanic. Swipes Porsche when the boss is away.
ECCENTRICExtraordinarily weird. Possibly homicidal.
EYES, BEAUTIFULRemainder, vile.
FAMILY MANDiscreet affair sought.
FILMS, INTERESTED INTalks about some obscure Albanian movies made in the 50s. Can talk a whole evening about the Introverted Seminal Hermetism of Goddard's films. Refuses to see Jurassic Park on grounds that it is trivial.
FOREIGN GENTLEMAN SEEKS PERMANENT RELATIONSHIPIllegal immigrant; would marry anybody to secure permanent residence in the UK/EU.
FREAKYCertifiably insane.
FREE ROUND-THE-WORLD CRUISE, EXOTIC HOLIDAYS OFFEREDNasty little squirt who can get a woman, only by paying for her.
GAYSo incredibly camp that the most outrageous drag Queen would be embarrassed to be seen with him. Makes Quentin Crisp look like Mel Gibson (though, come to think of it ...)
GENTLENonentity.
GOOD LIFEDirty weekends, high-stake gambling, general debauchery, group sex, young girls. (i.e., good life)
GOOD NATUREDCan be taken advantage of, but whines a lot if you do.
GORGEOUSDaffy ex-showgirl who was gorgeous about 40 years ago.
GRADUATEDiploma in plumbing from an un-heard of technical school.
GREGARIOUSInto group sex and/or gang-bangs.
HAIRDRESSERGay.
HAIRYMan: has more hair than a gorilla.Woman: undergoing spontaneous sex change
HANDSOMEHandsome, but freaks out if you spill wine on his trousers. Looks over your shoulder, into a mirror, when he talks to you. Checks his reflection in shop windows.
HEAVY ROCK, INTODeaf. Stoned. Both.
HOMELOVINGWoman: compulsive cleaner; freaks out if you spill a drop of wine on her table cloth.Man: likes to stay home with a six-pack and a large bag of Doritos, watching soccer on TV. Slob.
HORROR MOVIES AND BOOKS, INTOWears a black cape and sleeps in a coffin. If you accept a date, wear a garlic necklace.
HUMOROUSManiacally so; knows Monty Python parrot sketch by heart and repeats it over and over, laughing to himself.
INTELLECTUALBrooding. Talk non-stop about obscure Peruvian philosophers, Leibniz' monads, Gestalt. A complete bore.
INTERACTS WITH MOVIE STARSWorks as a waiter in a bar patronized by out-of-work actors.
INTERIOR DECORATORGay.
INTERIOR DECORATOR, SUCCESSFULGay and rich. (What more do you want?)
JOGGING, RUNNING, ETC.Talks incessantly about cartilage trouble, Achilles tendons, running shoes; permanently exhausted. Do not expect sexual activity.
LARGEUnbelievably overweight.Man: great mounds of flesh spilling out of clothes. Sweats profusely.Woman: wears bell tents; has double chin that looks like Elizabethan ruff.
LATE FORTIESReceiving old-age pension
LONELYHas habits so awful that cannot be legally described in an ad; deserves to be lonely.
LOOKING FOR MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPLooking for father/mother for five quite appalling kids.
LOVES ANIMALS... more than people; has fifteen cats.
LOVES CHILDRENPaedophile.In more than one way: roasted, fried, barbecued, en cocotte, a la mode du chef ..., ok, just kidding
MATUREMenopausal.
MODELProstitute.
MOTORCYCLES, INTOHell's Angel. Leather, studs, chains, into.
MUCH-TRAVELLEDLong-distance lorry driver; if genuine airline pilot, has tertiary syphilis.
MUSIC, INTERESTED INHas a $ 5,000 quadriphonic set-up that kill at a mile range.Owns a cheap Woolworths Hi-Fi and a couple of ABBA LP's.Plays the ocarina. Badly.
NATURE, BIRD WATCHING, INTOPeeping Tom.If genuine: be prepared to wake up at 3:00 AM in the middle of Winter and slog for three hours in a marsh, to watch the mating dance of the Scottish Heron.
NON-EFFEMINATE GAYTattooed, six-day beard growth, big muscles, army boots and combat jacket (chancy, if female).
NON-SCENE GAYHad a very nasty experience with huge sailor.
NON-SMOKERSmoker, trying to quit. Has fits and tantrums as a result of nicotine withdrawal.
OCCASIONALLY MOODYSuicidal.
OLDER LADY SOUGHTGigolo.
PLUMPFemale version of the Michelin Man.
POLITICALLY CONSERVATIVEWears swastika armbands, jackboots and an SS cap. Sings banned nazi songs in pubs and gets usually beaten to a pulp by the other patrons.
PRESENTABLEOwns a polyester suit.
PROFESSIONALPlumber. If genuine Doctor, Attorney, Architect, etc., has unspeakable sexual deviations.
PUBS, INTOMan: alcoholic; talks incessantly about soccer and cars.Woman: Outmoded dollybird.
QUIETIncredibly dull.
RADICALOn probation for assaulting a cop during a demo.
RANDYSuffers from premature ejaculation; treats women as objects (and objects as women).
RITZY, CHIC, ETC.Transvestite. Co-ordinates well, though.
ROMANTICWoman: Pre-Raphaelite type; totally spaced out.Man: behaves like bloody fool; quotes Keats.
SCIENCE-FICTION FANSays things like "phasers activated" when switching on the headlights of his car, "ET phone home" before making a phone call and "may the force be with you" to total strangers. An embarrassment and a bore.If the genuine article; watch out for little tell-tale signs, like the gray skin and the large black eyes. Usually, a date turns into an abduction
SEEKS GIRL/GUY (No specific details)Not fussy, as long as it screws.
SEEKS SIMILARUtterly narcissistic.
SEEKS SOLVENT MAN/WOMANGolddigger/Gigolo.
SELF-CONTAINEDComplete introvert. Hermit.
SENSITIVEWoman: highly strung; cries a lot; has five nervous breakdowns a year.Man:Poovy; permanently under therapy.Gay.
SHARING RELATIONSHIPYou give, he/she takes.Screwing relationship.
SHYRetarded.
SINCEREPromiscuous and lying.Clings like a leech; Impossible to get rid of.
SLIMMan: gangling, round-shouldered, 6ft 6ins.Woman: terminal anorexia case.
SMOKERFive packs a day. If you go into his/her apartment, wear a gas mask.
SOLICITORArticled clerk in Solicitor's office.
SOLITUDE, INTO.Layabout.
SOLVENTHas a Woolworths credit card.
SPARKLING PERSONALITYHigh as a kite on something or other; hellish bore.
SPACE, NEEDSWants to conduct seven affairs simultaneously, without interference.
SPONTANEOUSErratic, unpredictable (as in "spontaneous combustion").
SPORTS, INTERESTED INDarts, snooker, pinball, video games.
STRAIGHTCloset gay.
STRAIGHT LOOKINGGay acting.
TALLMan: exceptionally tall (over 7ft) and playing it down.Woman: resembles stick insect.
TEACHERBroke and scruffy.
TEMPERAMENTALHas bouts of uncontrollable violence.
TRAVELLING, KEEN ONMassive rent arrears.
TRENDYRidiculous; goes to formal occasions wearing purple leotards and yellow plastic shoes.
UNDERSTANDINGReal live saint sought by loser with extraordinary number of problems.
VIRILELike "randy", but stronger. Has punctured his inflatable doll a number of times.
VIVACIOUSFreaky. Talks about herself non-stop in a shrilly voice.
WARMOverpowering personality. Control freak.
WORLDLYTravelling salesman.
WRITERUnpublished.
YOUNG(Seeking) Middle aged man after nymphet. Older woman after young stud. (Describing self as) See "Youthful".
YOUTHFULOld, but pathetically infantile.
ZANYEscapee from mental institution.
That's the end, I suppose. Ah, yes: ads in French, or containing extensive references to star signs, or quotes from Shakespeare's sonnets, should be handled with extreme caution.
Christmas controversies & various solutions (Added On: 2010-08-13 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Christmas controversies & various solutionsCONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE:Live tree, planted after use
MALE:Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE:Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY:Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE:Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE:Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE:Elegant flickering candles
REALITY:Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE:Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE:Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE:Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY:Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE:Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE:Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE:Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY:More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
YUPPIE:Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE:Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE:Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY:Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner?
YUPPIE:Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE:Anything, as there's plenty of both it and beer
FEMALE:A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY:Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
Just Say No (Added On: 2010-08-02 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with
the father of the "hero" of the story: During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his father's car
to drive to a New Year's Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in
Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the
car New Year's Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the
roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Year's Eve. The
agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car,
but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part
of the father, especially since the kid wasn't 21.
So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home.
Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few
other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in
a line of people that were being administered the infamous sobriety test.
Somehow the policeman skipped him, and he was left standing off to the side
while the people behind him were showing the police officer how well they
could touch their finger to their nose, walk a straight line, etc.
At 7:00 AM his father got up to answer the doorbell. There were two state
troopers there; one from Vermont and one from Massachusetts. They immediately
asked him if he was the owner of <description of car>. He replied, "Yes, I
am." One of the policeman asked him if he was driving the car the previous
evening, and he said that his son had been the driver. The police officer
asked to speak to his son.
When the kid found himself in front of the two state troopers, he knew he was
in some sort of trouble. But he also realized that his blood alcohol level
had come down considerably, and that he would pass any test they might give
him. So upon questioning, he admitted that he was driving the car, that he
had been in Vermont, but when asked if he had been drinking he said, "No!"
When the policemen asked if they could see his car, the kid was unable to
remember the drive, and was worried that he may have hit something or someone.
He said that the car was out back under the car port.
And when the four of them walked out to look at the car, instead of looking at
the car he had driven the night before, there was a Vermont State Police
cruiser parked there.
Christmas poem and credit cards (Added On: 2010-07-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
How about a little Christmas poetry?The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,With purchases little and large;She doesn't believe in Santa Claus ...Because she has her Master Charge
My wife had her credit card stolen,I haven't reported it yet because of who ever has it doesn't spend as much as she does.
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There are 80 funny Holiday jokes in this category. |
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