Holiday jokes

There are 131 funny Holiday jokes in this category.

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A reindeer who is making funny noises (pun) (Added On: 2011-10-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.

Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"

Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"

He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.

Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"

None of the reindeer stepped forward.

Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."

Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer ...

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You know your from texan country when (Added On: 2011-10-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

You've spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
When someone asks to see your I.D. - you show them your belt buckle.
You've lost at least one tooth opening beer bottles.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of a message: "For a good time call ___________!!!"
"Jack Daniels" makes your list of most admired people.
Redman chewing tabbaco sends you a Christmas card.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
After making love, you ask your date to roll down the damn window.
Your house does'nt have any curtains, but your truck does.
Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.

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Are You A True Southerner? (Added On: 2011-10-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A true Southerner knows what "catywompus" means.

A true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit"
and a "conniption" and they don't "HAVE" them, they "PITCH" them.

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "YONDER".

A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!).

True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "Just down the road"
can be 1 mile or 20.

A true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.

A true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something
that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

True Southerners make friends while standing in lines. And
when we are "in line" we talk to everybody!

Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin .," you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and sweet milk".
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like
our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

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DEAR DIARY....August 12 Moved to (Added On: 2011-09-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

DEAR DIARY....August 12 Moved to our new home in Canada. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snowcovering them. October 14 Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves haveturned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ridethrough the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. Thismust be paradise. I love it here. November 11 Remembrance day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagineanyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. Ilove it here. December 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned thesnow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowballfight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel thedriveway again. What a beautiful place. We love Canada. December 12 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. F***ing snow plough. December 22 More of that white sh** fell last night. I have got blisters onmy hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow ploughhides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway.Asshole.December 25 Merry F***ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swearI'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt onthe roads to melt the f***ing ice. December 27 More white s*** last night. Been inside for three days nowexcept for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goesthrough every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white,and it's so frigging cold, The weatherman says to expect another 10inches of the s*** again tonight. Do you know how many

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The Week After Christmas (Added On: 2011-09-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

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There are 131 funny Holiday jokes in this category.

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