Holiday jokes
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There are 143 funny Holiday jokes in this category. |
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The first reindeer seen in a bar (Added On: 2011-11-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
A Genealogists Christmas Eve (Added On: 2011-10-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The dining room table with clutter was spread
With pedigree charts and with letters which said ...
"Too bad about the data for which you wrote
Sank in a storm on an ill fated boat."
Stacks of old copies of wills and the such
Were proof that my work had become much too much.
Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And I at my table was ready to drop
From work on my album with photos to crop.
Christmas was here, and of such was my lot
That presents and goodies and toys I forgot.
Had I not been so busy with grandparent's wills,
I'd not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.
While others had bought gifts that would bring Christmas cheer;
I'd spent time researching those birth dates and years.
While I was thus musing about my sad plight,
A strange noise on the lawn gave me such a great fright.
Away to the window I flew in a flash,
Tore open the drapes and I yanked up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But an overstuffed sleigh and eight small reindeer.
Up to the housetop the reindeer they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys, and old Santa Claus too.
And then in a twinkle, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of thirty-two hoofs.
The TV antenna was no match for their horns,
And look at our roof with hoof-prints adorned.
As I drew in my head, and bumped it on the sash,
Down the cold chimney fell Santa - KER-RASH!
"Dear" Santa had come from the roof in a wreck,
And tracked soot on the carpet, (I could wring his short neck!)
Spotting my face, good old Santa could see
I had no Christmas spirit, you'd have to agree.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings, (I felt like a jerk).
Here was Santa, who'd brought us such gladness and joy;
When I'd been too busy for even one toy.
He spied my research on the table all spread
"A genealogist!" He cried! (My face was all red!)
"Tonight I've met many like you", Santa grinned.
As he pulled from his sack a large book he had penned.
I gazed with amazement - the cover it read
"Genealogy Lines for Which You Have Plead."
"I know what it's like as a genealogy bug,"
He said as he gave me a great Santa Hug.
"While the elves make the sleighful of toys I now carry,
I do some research in the North Pole Library!
A special treat I am thus able to bring,
To genealogy folks who can't find a thing.
Now off you go to your bed for a rest,
I'll clean up the house from this genealogy mess."
As I climbed up the stairs full of gladness and glee,
I looked back at Santa who'd brought much to me.
While settling in bed, I heard Santa's clear whistle,
To his team which then rose like the down of a thistle
And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Family History is Fun! Merry Christmas! Goodnight!"
[author unknown]
A reindeer who is making funny noises (pun) (Added On: 2011-10-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer ...
You know your from texan country when (Added On: 2011-10-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
You've spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
When someone asks to see your I.D. - you show them your belt buckle.
You've lost at least one tooth opening beer bottles.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of a message: "For a good time call ___________!!!"
"Jack Daniels" makes your list of most admired people.
Redman chewing tabbaco sends you a Christmas card.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
After making love, you ask your date to roll down the damn window.
Your house does'nt have any curtains, but your truck does.
Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.
Are You A True Southerner? (Added On: 2011-10-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A true Southerner knows what "catywompus" means.A true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit"
and a "conniption" and they don't "HAVE" them, they "PITCH" them.
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of "YONDER".
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!).
True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right
near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "Just down the road"
can be 1 mile or 20.
A true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A true Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.
A true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or
something
that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
True Southerners make friends while standing in lines. And
when we are "in line" we talk to everybody!
Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
they're related, even if only by marriage.
True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin .," you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and sweet milk".
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like
our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
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There are 143 funny Holiday jokes in this category. |
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