Holiday jokes
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There are 131 funny Holiday jokes in this category. |
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Question and answer Christmas joke (Added On: 2011-12-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?A: It was wound up already.
Redneck Logic (Added On: 2011-12-13 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Two rednecks decide that they aren't going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the
professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously
catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever
heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into
the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?!" asks his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asks the first
redneck.
"No," his friend replies.
"Logically thinkin' you're queer, ain't ya?"
Christmas on the Enterprise (Added On: 2011-11-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip:
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
In hope that no alien would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks)
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face. . .
When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the turbos and shouted "Deck One!"
The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
"It's Riker, It's Data, It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi, Weasley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hull!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!"
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, 'what the Hell is this, Q?!"
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from head to toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
"That's enough!" creid the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf, take aim at this dunce!"
"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc,' replied Q,
"I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
"I've brought gifts," he daid, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's someting delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've some mints, as his breath's not too great
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way."
And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"
The first reindeer seen in a bar (Added On: 2011-11-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
A Genealogists Christmas Eve (Added On: 2011-10-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.
The dining room table with clutter was spread
With pedigree charts and with letters which said ...
"Too bad about the data for which you wrote
Sank in a storm on an ill fated boat."
Stacks of old copies of wills and the such
Were proof that my work had become much too much.
Our children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And I at my table was ready to drop
From work on my album with photos to crop.
Christmas was here, and of such was my lot
That presents and goodies and toys I forgot.
Had I not been so busy with grandparent's wills,
I'd not have forgotten to shop for such thrills.
While others had bought gifts that would bring Christmas cheer;
I'd spent time researching those birth dates and years.
While I was thus musing about my sad plight,
A strange noise on the lawn gave me such a great fright.
Away to the window I flew in a flash,
Tore open the drapes and I yanked up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But an overstuffed sleigh and eight small reindeer.
Up to the housetop the reindeer they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys, and old Santa Claus too.
And then in a twinkle, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of thirty-two hoofs.
The TV antenna was no match for their horns,
And look at our roof with hoof-prints adorned.
As I drew in my head, and bumped it on the sash,
Down the cold chimney fell Santa - KER-RASH!
"Dear" Santa had come from the roof in a wreck,
And tracked soot on the carpet, (I could wring his short neck!)
Spotting my face, good old Santa could see
I had no Christmas spirit, you'd have to agree.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings, (I felt like a jerk).
Here was Santa, who'd brought us such gladness and joy;
When I'd been too busy for even one toy.
He spied my research on the table all spread
"A genealogist!" He cried! (My face was all red!)
"Tonight I've met many like you", Santa grinned.
As he pulled from his sack a large book he had penned.
I gazed with amazement - the cover it read
"Genealogy Lines for Which You Have Plead."
"I know what it's like as a genealogy bug,"
He said as he gave me a great Santa Hug.
"While the elves make the sleighful of toys I now carry,
I do some research in the North Pole Library!
A special treat I am thus able to bring,
To genealogy folks who can't find a thing.
Now off you go to your bed for a rest,
I'll clean up the house from this genealogy mess."
As I climbed up the stairs full of gladness and glee,
I looked back at Santa who'd brought much to me.
While settling in bed, I heard Santa's clear whistle,
To his team which then rose like the down of a thistle
And I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Family History is Fun! Merry Christmas! Goodnight!"
[author unknown]
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There are 131 funny Holiday jokes in this category. |
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