|
Holiday jokes
A Claculus carol (Added On: 2010-07-07 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A Calculus Carol Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,How tough are both your branches.Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,To pass what are my chances?Derivatives I cannot take,At integrals my fingers shake.Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,How tough are both your branches. Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,Your theorems I can't master.Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,My Proofs are a disaster.You pull a trick out of the air,Or find a reason, God knows where.Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,Your theorems I can't master. Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,Your problems do distress me.Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,Related rates depress me.I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,And running water makes me weep.Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,Your problems do distress me. Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,My limit I am reaching.Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,For mercy I'm beseeching.My grades do not approach a B,They're just an epsilon from D.Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,My limit I am reaching. 1. You reuse last years (Added On: 2010-07-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) 1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points) 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out) 3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points) 4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy. If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.) 5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction). 6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth. 7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party) 8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own [Southern California only, others ignore]. (5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car) 9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year). 10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points) Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100. 20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived. santa betting (Added On: 2010-06-23 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Banta Singh saw that his friend santa Singh was very depressed. "What happened ?" asked banta. "Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . " "How come ?" "Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet." " But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?" " Yaar, I bet on the highlights too " Politically Correct Santa (Added On: 2010-06-13 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... And labor conditions at the north pole And equal employment had made it quite clear And people had started to call for the cops And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt; So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... (c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992 Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays! Christmas Downsizing (Added On: 2010-06-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the season's greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control]. Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press. I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today's global challenges required the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. [The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French!] The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrade in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction is assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days in inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
|
|||||
| © Copyright 2009 Lavee LLC. All rights reserved. Disclaimer Read our Privacy Policy | |||||