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Jewish jokes
El Al (Added On: 2010-07-31 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied. gentile and rabbi (Added On: 2010-07-23 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A gentile one asked Rabbi Goldberg, "Tell me, Rabbi, is it true that a Jew always answers a question with another one?" The rabbi eyed him suspiciously and replied "Who told you that?" Monicas Love Handles (Added On: 2010-07-21 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie."Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish." "Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed." "Poof!"And just like that... her ears were gone. 14 Cents (Added On: 2010-07-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A Jewish woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper. "14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady. "14! For what?" asked the Jewish lady. "I think it's 11." The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents." "I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11." "What are your saying?" "As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11." Jewish Quiz Show (Added On: 2010-07-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Kosher Millionaire You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire...You Should Only Live So Long." You have three lifelines to help you, as follows: 1. You may call a Rabbi for his opinion. 2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion. 3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not. Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give you her opinion. Lets play... For $100 Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and burned on re-entry? A. Oy Vey is Mir For $200 Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner? A. All right, everybody get in the car. For $500 Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider? A. Netanyahoo. For $1,000 Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women? A. Oil of Oy Vey. For $2,000 Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women? A. Debbie Does Windows For! !$4,000 Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her husband in the act with his secretary? A. "The Plaintiff." For $8,000 Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates? A. "Nyah, nyah, your mother pays retail." For $16,000 Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human? A. When it graduates from medical school. For $32,000 Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and beautiful? A. Nothing. For $64,000 Q. Define "Genius." A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother. For $125,000 Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm? A. She puts down her nail file. For $250,000 Q. When should a Moyel retire? A. When he can't cut it anymore. For $500,000 Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be? A. A fur coat. For $1,000,000 Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother? A. The accent.
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