|
Jewish jokes
Jewish and non-Jewish Women (Added On: 2012-02-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Q. What is the difference between Jewish and non-Jewish women? A. Non-Jewish women have real orgasms and fake diamonds. Celebrating the big 50 (Added On: 2012-01-23 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) A couple are nearing their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband calls his son in a distant city and tells him that they are getting a divorce. "Don’t do that!" shouts the son. "Do nothing until I get there." The son then calls his sister in yet another city. She calls her father. "Don’t get a divorce!" she cries. "Do nothing until I get there." The old father hangs up and says to mother, "Well, they didn’t come for Pesach and they didn’t come for Rosh Hashana, but I got them to come for our 50th anniversary." Jewish Boy (Added On: 2012-01-22 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) The daughter brings home her boy friend to meet the family. Things are getting serious. The father takes the boy aside: "What do you do for a living?" he asks the boy. "I'm a Torah scholar" admits the boy. "Wonderful, but what are your plans?" inquires the father. "I will be a Torah Scholar," says the boy. "How do you intend to support my daughter?" the father asks. "I will study the Torah, and G-d will provide for us," says the boy. "Ok, but how will you provide, Baruch HaShem, for my grandchildren?" "I will study the Torah and G-d will provide for all of us," says the boy. After dinner, when the boy goes home, and the mother and father are in the privacy of their bedroom, the mother asks, " Nu, how did it go?" "Well," the father says, "there's good news and bad news. The bad news is he has no means of support, but, the good news is, he thinks I'm G-d." The BBC Gaza Correspondent (Added On: 2011-12-31 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) The BBC Gaza correspondent is sitting in her air conditioned hotel in the Gaza strip, sipping iced tea when her mobile phone begins to ring. She picks up the phone and hears a mysterious voice say, " comrade this is the ruling council of the military wing of Hamas and I would like to inform you that those Israeli pigs have just massacred hundreds of Palastinian women and children. " The BBC correspondent then asks the mysterious stranger on the phone where and when this had happened but was just given the address of the small provincial hospital just inside the Israeli border where he claimed hundreds of surviving casualties had been taken earlier and informed her that all her expenses would be covered as usual. Armed with this information she realises that she can finally prove to the world just how evil these Israeli, American Jewish lobby supported pigs really are. So she makes her way as quickly as possible across the border into Israel and to the hospital. On arriving at the hospital she walks into the main reception where she sees an Israeli doctor standing with a clip board in his hand. She walks up to the doctor and says, " right you imperialist scum bag, where are the palastinian casualties brought intoday after the massacre?" The doctor who is slightly surprised and taken a back by the witch faced correspondent replies " I am sorry lady but I don't know what you are talking about." The correspondent then really begins to lose her temper and says, " Ok tell me how many Arab patients you have here today? " To which the doctor replies, " well I would guess several hundred. " "Ah ha! " the corresspondent responds, " so you don't deny it now! " With the bit between her teeth she storms past the doctor and heads for the door with the sign that reads emergency admissions written above it. She bursts through the door to only see lots and lots of empty beds save for a couple of elderly people. Turning round she exits the room and heads back towards the doctor and says " so where I you hiding them doctor death? " The bewildered looking doctor then says to her, " if you would have given me the chance I was about to show you to them in our new state of the art maternity ward further down the hall." The sermon (Added On: 2011-12-26 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) The rabbi is speaking to his lower East Side congregation and he says, "with Hashem's help we shall walk but first, we must crawl." The congregation replies to the Rebbe with exclamations of "ahmein Rabbi, im yirtze Hashem we shall crawl." The rabbi then says, "and soon, we will run but before we can run, with Hashem's help, we must firts walk. Again, the pious members of the minyan all reply, "im yirtze Hashem, we shall walk." The rabbi then works himself into a rhetorical frenzy as he exclaims, and we shall reach the promised land. Hashem shall provide but first we must run. The ecstatic congregation gleefully shouts back ahmein rabbi, we shall run. Im yirtze Hashem, we shall run." The rabbi concludes his sermon by stating, "and we will reach that promised land if you dig deep into your hearts and checkbooks and make a generous pledge to the building fund!!" The congregation then replies, crawl Rabbi, crawl. I'm yirtze Hashem, we shall crawl."
|
|||||
| © Copyright 2009 Lavee LLC. All rights reserved. Disclaimer Read our Privacy Policy | |||||