Jewish jokes

There are 85 funny Jewish jokes in this category.

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Its great being Jewish (Added On: 2011-08-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There was a Jewish gentleman sitting in Central Park one day, and his best friend Saul came up to him and asked him why he read the paper.

"You know, Esra, that paper is anti-semitic."

Esra replies, "I know, Saul, but I love hearing such good things that come out of this paper. They think Jews control Hollywood, the government, and labor and industry. It's great being a Jew!"

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Lucky Horse (Added On: 2011-08-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money?" she says. "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." "You fool!" she said, "Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat." "It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

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Jewish diet (Added On: 2011-08-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The Yo-Yo Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays

Rosh Hashanah -- Feast

Tzom Gedalia -- Fast

Yom Kippur -- More fasting

Sukkot -- Feast

Hashanah Rabbah -- More feasting

Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting

Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on ourselves.

Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B'Shevat -- Feast

Fast of Esther -- Fast

Purim -- Eat pastry

Passover -- Do not eat pastry

Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes etc.)

17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes.)

Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before the High Holidays arrive again.

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Tough Thorn (Added On: 2011-08-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

During the Israeli-Arab war, the Arabs were getting slaughtered. Their general called his men together, look men we have to take drastic action. Shoot on sight any Israelis, no questions asked.

It was getting late. A very young Israeli man comes wandering down the path towards the Arab camp.

The Arabs decide to have some fun. Look, we're supposed to execute you but we'll let you go if you pass 3 tests.

There are 3 tents, in the first is a bottle of liquor, which you must drink completely without stopping.

In the second is the Sheik's favorite lion who has had a thorn in his paw for 3 days and no one has been able to get close enough to get it out. You must remove the thorn.

In the third is the Sheik's favorite wife. She has not been happy in a long time. You must satisfy her.

The young man cautiously approaches the first tent, enters and they hear him chugging the entire bottle in one long breath. He stumbles out feebly and on to the next tent.

The Arabs hear nothing but loud roaring and the shredding of fabric. Then dead silence. They are sure he is dead. A few moments later however, the young man emerges unscathed but his clothes are in tatters. He exclaims, "Well I believe that should do it for the Sheik's Favorite Wife -- now where's that Lion with the thorn in his paw?!"

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You are nothing (Added On: 2011-07-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

During Sabbath services the Rabbi kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Cantor looks at him, thinks it couldn't hurt, and kneels, puts his forehead to the floor, and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

Ben Shapiro in the fifth row is watching this and thinking that it was a pretty good idea, so he goes in the middle of the aisle, kneels and puts his forehead to the floor and says, "Before you oh Lord, I am nothing."

The Rabbi nudges the Cantor. "Look who thinks he's nothing!"

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There are 85 funny Jewish jokes in this category.

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