Jewish jokes

There are 85 funny Jewish jokes in this category.

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Mice in the basement of the shul (Added On: 2011-12-21 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Three rabbis are standing around schmoosing when one of them says, "We've got a terrible problem with mice in the basement of the shul. Traps, cheese. Nothing works."

The second rabbi says, "Same thing with us. We tried it all. Still we have mice."

The third rabbi says, "We had the very same problem---but not anymore!" Now the other two rabbis are interested. "How did you do it?"

"It was easy. I went down in the basement, gathered all the mice together and performed a mass bar mitzvah. And we haven't seen any of them since!"

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Having Children (Added On: 2011-12-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said... "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much we wear rubbers!"

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Gene Simmons Quote (Added On: 2011-12-02 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

I'm Jewish, you pay me, I don't pay you.

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Retired Jew (Added On: 2011-11-24 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

An older retired N.Y. jewish merchant goes to the Doctor. He complains he's tired and sluggish. The Doctor suggests he goes down to Florida for some relaxation.

The man takes the advice. After a few days he is bored and goes to the hotel lobby to pass some time. A woman sits next to him and says, "pst, hey you buying?" He says, "you selling?" She winks and they go back to his room for a little "tryst".

A few days later he returns to N.Y. and now feels even more sluggish and tired. He goes back to the doctor for another checkup and the Doctor informs him he had contracted a form of sypholis. He needs rest and suggests he return to Florida.

He went back and rested up. One night he went back to the lobby and there was that woman again. She sits next to him and again he hears "pst.. you buying?" & he responds "Vhat you selling now cancer?"

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Dating (Added On: 2011-11-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings him into the living room to meet her parents.

“Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We’ll be home early,� she says.

Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his name that he is not Jewish.

When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately, “Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?�

“No Mom, he’s not,� replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle is about to begin.

Momentary silence from the mom. “Well — is he pre-med?�

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There are 85 funny Jewish jokes in this category.

Prev 5 | Next 5