Lawyer jokes

There are 94 funny Lawyer jokes in this category.

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Choosing a Mate (Added On: 2011-12-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers
DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.

This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?

Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.

The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.

The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?" he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.

TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.

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Bribing the Judge (Added On: 2011-10-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case ... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

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How do you stop a Lawyer from Drowning? (Added On: 2011-10-26 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Shoot him before he hits the water.

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Beautiful? (Added On: 2011-10-11 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

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Orange (Added On: 2011-09-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" the Professor instructed. The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

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There are 94 funny Lawyer jokes in this category.

Prev 5 | Next 5