|
Military jokes
The Bathroom Military (off. to Marines / explicit language!) (Added On: 2011-05-22 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Source - Some sick demented BMC I used to know... A Sailor and a Marine are taking a leak in the head. The Sailor finishes and goes for the door. The Marine finishes and heads for the sink. He calls out to the Sailor, "Hey! Aren t you going to wash you hand? In The Corps they taught us to wash up afterwards." The Sailor replies, "Well, in the Navy they just told us not to piss on our hands." A Marine walks in to the head. A little boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, "Are you a REAL Marine?" The Marine replies, "Why yes I am son... Say - you want to wear my hat?" The boy replies, "Sure mister!", and put the hat on his head. As the Marine entered a stall the boy placed himself on "guard duty" by the door. Shortly, a Sailor entered the head. The little boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, "Are you a REAL Sailor?" The Sailor replied, "Why yes I am... You wanna suck my dick?" The little boy quickly took the hat off his head and said, "Oh no - I'm not a real Marine - I'm just wearing his hat!" Digging (Added On: 2011-05-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying."This here's a big mule!" "This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey.""Mule!""Donkey!"Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by."What are you boys doing?""We're diggin' a grave for this mule.""Donkey, dammit!"The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass!"An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?""No sir, we're diggin' an asshole." How To Bathe A Cat (Added On: 2011-03-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) I. Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)II. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.III. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)IV. . Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.V. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect toomuch.)IV. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relaxenough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better Help with the garden (Added On: 2011-03-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) An aging man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about it. He received the reply: "For HEAVENS SAKE, Don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the Guns!!!" At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what to do now? The reply: "NOW, just put the potatoes in." OH, do behave! (Added On: 2011-03-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long. YEAH BABY YEAH!
|
|||||
| © Copyright 2009 Lavee LLC. All rights reserved. Disclaimer Read our Privacy Policy | |||||