Naughty jokes

There are 50 funny Naughty jokes in this category.

Prev 5 | Next 5

What do I look like? (Added On: 2010-07-30 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

(From a friend of mine who heard it at work:)

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would
come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some
more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take
care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly,
"Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"

Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Ty-D-Bol® man?" and sat down
on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home,
she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix
it for me?"

Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home,
she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you
check on it?" and again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag
repairman?"

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her
husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"

"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having
sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

---

The Rubdown (Added On: 2010-07-27 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word "tiny" was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, tod Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.
"How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick?" exclaimed Joan.

"How could I indeed!" said Mary. "It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled:
'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!'"

---

One day when the (Added On: 2010-07-16 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in
tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her
class.The next day she went into the room, and she
saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the
black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the day's
lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board,
each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead, found the
words,

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

---

Alcohol, cigarettes, and sex. (Added On: 2010-07-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A
Minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to
his
Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following
results: The first worm in alcohol -- dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke -- dead.
Third worm in sperm -- dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -- "What
can you learn from
this
demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her
hand and said; "As
long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't
have worms."

---

Medical Record Quotes (Added On: 2010-06-19 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.

*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

---

There are 50 funny Naughty jokes in this category.

Prev 5 | Next 5