Naughty jokes

There are 113 funny Naughty jokes in this category.

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Follow Directions! (Added On: 2012-02-06 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's' room door, it was "OCCUPIED".
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".

Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!"

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How to Score Points With a Woman (Added On: 2012-01-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take
world of relationships? Here's your score card from the Men's Journal
of Health.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects-- sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb. +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck
pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish +1
You leave them under the bed -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings. +5
But return with beer. -5
You leave the toilet seat up -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom -2
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron.+10
It's her father-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy. -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze
at her lovingly. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you". +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy
in bed" -6
That woman is her sister-90
You have one drink, and that's it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.-18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit +7
You get rid of a dead rodent +8
You remove the collie from the thresher+12
You take her mother to see Cats+16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk. +3
Most of it chips and beer -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.+15
Or refinishing the floors+16
Or rewiring the basement+17
Or adding a second floor+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And you're tickled pink about it.-15
You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear. -6
And you didn't even go to college-10
And it's not your underwear-15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing +4
And you stink +2
And you're not half bad. +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out
to much applause. -2
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance.-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day-10
With her credit card.-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.-40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely-10
You forget your anniversary-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast-50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal. -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single. -7
And he drives a Trans Am-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15
You have a few beers. -9
And miss curfew by an hour.-12
You get home at 3 am.-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars-30
And not wearing any pants-40
Is that a tattoo???-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends. +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.+10
You wait up.+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed+20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom.+25
Which you clean up+35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep. -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like. -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -7
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.+10
And she contracts Lyme disease-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -5

Grooming

You trim your nails +5
You trim your nails in the living room.-10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat-15
You shave on the weekends +2
You don't shave on the weekends -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either. -8
But then, neither does she. +8

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she can't use.-10
Such as a motorized model airplane-20
And your kid needs braces-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.-120

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt-60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. -5
You hesitate in responding.-10
You reply, "Where?"-25

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep-10

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Definitions of Children (Added On: 2012-01-20 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

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In the circus (Added On: 2012-01-12 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Mother,
father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants
walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says
to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh,
nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same
question.
His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's
penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks
the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and
says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

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Two guys fishing (Added On: 2012-01-11 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Two guys were out fishing in the ocean one day and not catching anything until one of the guys caught a strange looking fish. "Ha Ha said the other guy, we're out here to catch salmon and you come up with that ugly thing." "No wait! the other guy says, This is much better, watch this. The guy unzips his pants and puts his penis in the fishes mouth. Then he pokes the fish in the eye, the fish goes crazy wiggling and squriming and then calms down. The guy pokes the fish in the eye again and the fish wiggles and squirms again to the guy's delight. Finally the guy takes the fish off his pecker and says to his friend, "you want to try this?" His friend looks at the fish then at him and says' "well OK if you promise not to poke me in the eye."

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There are 113 funny Naughty jokes in this category.

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