Naughty jokes

There are 56 funny Naughty jokes in this category.

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One Chicken - One Road (Added On: 2010-09-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha) only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

BILL CLINTON: I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.

L.A.P.D.: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road because he was an evil-doer, and we smoked him out of his hole and got him on the run!

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Tell Me! (Added On: 2010-09-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.

"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.

"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"

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Rest Home (rated) (Added On: 2010-08-19 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A man in a nursing home takes up with one of the female patients and works out a deal with her where he gets in bed with her each night and she holds his penis as they fall asleep. After several weeks of this, he dumps her for a new partner.

The scorned woman questions him, "What's she got that I haven't got?"

The man replies, "Parkinsons".

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Translating Menspeak (Added On: 2010-08-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

When He Says - He Really Means ------------ - ---------------- Do you have the time? - to go to bed

Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? - in bed, I mean.

I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.

I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.

I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.

I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.

I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.

I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I'm in television. - I fix them.

I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.

I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.

I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.

I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.

I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.

I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.

I play the market. - Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.

I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

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You Know Youre an Internet Addict When... (Added On: 2010-08-06 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

You are an Internet Addict when...

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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There are 56 funny Naughty jokes in this category.

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