Naughty jokes

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Marriage Quotes 5 (Added On: 2010-06-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George Bernard Shaw

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894

I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer

Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage. - Gloria Steinem

If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead, the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts

At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. - Tynan

The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with husbands. - Lupe Valez

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar Wilde

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde

Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia Woolf

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Radio Show Contest (Added On: 2010-06-02 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes,
usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at
work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.

If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions that vary
from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work
phone number.

If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This
particular day (December 9th, 1998) it got interesting.

The Show

DJ: Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian.

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? Or what? Brian?

Brian:(laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please,
Brian.

Brian: Sara.

DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?

Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.

DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: She is gonna kill me.

DJ: Brian! Stay with me here, man.

Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.

DJ: Atta boy.

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.

DJ: Number two: How long did it last?

Brian: About 10 minutes.

DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if it there weren't a trip at stake.

Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.

DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.

DJ: This sounds good, Brian, where was it?

Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks, and she was taking a shower at the time.

DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!

Brian: On the kitchen table.

DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times
I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get
his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.

(Advertisements)

DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones,
ringing)

Clerk: Kinko's.

DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?

Clerk: This is she.

DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now.

Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?

DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of
"Mate Match"?

Sara: No.

DJ: Good.

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?

Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?

Sara: Oh, Brian.

DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you three questions, and if you
answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando,
Florida, at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea
World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it, Sara? Sara! Get
it? Orlando Magic, they are on strike, Sara, helloooooo anyone home?!

Sara: (laughing hard) Yes, yes.

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?

Sara: Oh God, Brian... this morning before Brian went to work.

DJ: What time?

Sara: About 8 I think.

(sound effect) Ding ding ding

DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?

Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.

DJ: Hhmmmmm.

Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying
not to harm his manhood.

DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?

Sara: Oh my god, Brian! You did not tell them, did you?!

Brian: Just tell him, honey.

DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?

Sara: Well, it's just just that my mom is vacationing with us and...

DJ: She saw?!

Sara: Brian?!

Brian: No, no I didn't say that.

DJ: Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?

Sara: Dear Lord... I cannot believe you told them this.

Brian: Come on, honey, it's for a trip to Florida.

DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?

Sara: (long pause) In the ass.

(long pause)

DJ: We will be right back.

(Advertisements)

DJ: I am sorry for that, ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these
things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,
Florida.

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In case you thought you could predict Borks position on anything (Added On: 2010-05-31 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

From "That's Life," by Edward Dolnick in The Atlantic,
January, 1990, reviewing a newsletter called View from the
Ledge, which is produced by one Chuck Shepherd:

Long before Robert Bork's name was well known, for
example, Bork had surfaced in View from the Ledge.
"The Civil Rights Act routinely has been interpreted
to prohibit sexual `harassment' of employees,"
Shepherd wrote in 1985, "but Judge Robert Bork of
the US Court of Appeals . . . now reports that his
court says only such harassment by heterosexuals and
homosexuals is covered--but not that by bisexual
employers, who in theory do not `discriminate' among
their targets on the basis of gender."

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Hows your flow? (Added On: 2010-05-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

My sister-in-law, a just-graduating medical student, tells me that one
night during work at the hospital she was interviewing a black female
patient . . . she came to the question:

"Ma'am, are you sexually active?"

To which the woman replied:

"Well . . . sometimes I is . . . and sometimes I just lays there."

-joseph hall

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Quiz: Can you be subtle? (Added On: 2010-05-01 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The Boss has just chewed you out for no reason at all, you are looking to revenge yourself, do you:

Hide his coffee mug in an unusual place each morning.
Create a cache of pornographic images and arrange for them to be found on his computer (with accompanying history file and bookmarks).
Curse him loudly in the name of Zoroaster, knock him down and insert an apricot colored miniature poodle into his rectum.

A speeding driver weaves through traffic, cutting you off. He then flips you the bird for no reason:

Note his license plate number and report his driving skills to the local constabulary.
Beep your horn and give him the finger twice, once for him and once for the horse he rode in on.
Follow him home, impregnate his wife, daughter and goldfish, slash his tires then kick him in the lug nuts.

A pair of religious cretins arrive at your doorstep, determined to help you find salvation:

Kindly thank them for their time, give them cookies and then send them on their way.
Slam the door in their faces.
Slam the door on their faces until their features are unrecognizable.

A coworker corners you over lunch and starts loudly berating you for eating meat:

Weather it kindly.
Tell he/she/it to mind their own business.
Ask if they want seconds, whip out your penis, condiments and a hot-dog bun.

A coworker is sporting an obvious toupee:

Don't mention it.
Allude to the presence of road-kill on his head.
Rip it from his scalp and then ask how the Mr. Clean audition went.

Men only

Your SO asks you if she has gained weight:

"I love you just the way you are." (wimpy, but safe)
"A little, but it looks good on you."
"An old boyfriend named Ahab just called..."

Women Only

Your SO asks if he is the best lover you've ever had:

"Yes you are."
"You are certainly in the running."
"If you ever manage to get it up, I'll tell you."

Scoring:
4 or less - you are cheating, or mathematically inept.
5-12 You have a hope of being subtle, but will probably die from hypertension.
12-16 A reasonable balance.
17 or above: You are about as subtle as a fart in a bathysphere.

Best Wishes,
The (hardly subtle) Reverend Shayne Dark
(c) 1999

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There are 50 funny Naughty jokes in this category.

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