Religious jokes

There are 108 funny Religious jokes in this category.

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There were three pious monks. (Added On: 2011-10-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"

"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee whitener...."

"Enough!" said the head abbot, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot's instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. "What did you do last night?"
demanded the head abbot.

"I can't say! It's much too evil!"

"The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!"

"Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex
with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of
flora, my CD player..."

"Enough!" cried the head abbot. "That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy
Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

"What," asks the head abbot, "did you do this evening?"

"No, head abbot, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!"

"The agreement, monk! You must tell me!"

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbot. Last
night I...I..."

"Yes?"

"I pissed in the Holy Water."

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The Real Confession (Added On: 2011-09-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldn't hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasn't a priest to be found. Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, "You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long. "It's very simple", said the Priest. "There on the wall is a chart ... column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is." The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom. The very next person in line entered the booth and began ... "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbor's wife give me a blow job. That's it, Father". The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldn't find "blow job" anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found. Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, "Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?" "Two snickers and a Coke", replied the boy.

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Multiple Os (Added On: 2011-09-18 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up."Fine", says God, "Women get multiple orgasms"

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Back to Earth (Added On: 2011-09-08 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A Bengali, Marwari and Gujrati get into a carwreck. Upon arrival at the heaven Gates, Chitragupt informs them that it is not their time, they were not supposed to die yet.
He offers them a deal, 'You give me 20 Rs, and I'll let you go back down and live the rest of your lives out.'
The Bengali says, 'Fair enough,' and hands Chitragupt twenty. Back on earth at the accident scene, he sits bolt upright, shocking the paramedics that had just pronounced him dead. They all gather around to ask him what happened.
'Well, it wasn't my time, so I paid 20 bucks and he let me come back from the dead.' Noticing the other victims remained lifeless, the paramedics ask why they didn't also take chitragupt up on his offer.
The Bengali rolls his eyes and says, 'Oh, the Marwari is trying to talk him down to Rs 12.50, and the Gujju is waiting for the Government to pay for it.'

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The Mother Superior in the (Added On: 2011-08-13 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her
young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they
grew up.
A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived
her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What did you say?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus!
And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

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There are 108 funny Religious jokes in this category.

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