Religious jokes

There are 101 funny Religious jokes in this category.

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Albania, Albania, man sheds his waste on thee. (Added On: 2011-12-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Enver Hoxha, dictator of Albania, dies and due to a bureaucratic mixup
is sent to socialist heaven. Of course, once there he has to stand in line
as St.Peter is interviewing the candidates for socialist heaven ahead of him.

Ludwig von Beethoven is first.
St.Peter says: "Who are you?"
Beethoven says: "Eh ?"
St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says : "Who are you ?"
Beethoven says: "Ludwig von Beethoven"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers?"
Beethoven says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it."
Beethoven says: "Give me a choir of angels."

St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth.
St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig."
Beethoven goes in.

Shakespeare is next.
St.Peter says: "Who are you ?"
Shakespeare says: "William Shakespeare"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ?
Shakespeare says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it."
Shakespeare says: "Give me a pen and paper."

St.Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet.
St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, William."
Shakespeare goes in.

Finally it is Hoxha's turn.
St.Peter says: "Who are you ?"
Hoxha says: "Enver Hoxha, General Secretary of the Communist Party of
Albania"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ?
Hoxha says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it,
just like Beethoven and Shakespeare."
Hoxha says: "Beethoven... Shakespeare ? Who are they ?"
St.Peter says: "Wonderful. Welcome, General Secretary."
Hoxha goes in.

Craig Hubley, Unicus Corporation, Toronto, Ont.

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Vasectomy (Added On: 2011-11-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

Just heard on the radio, purportedly factual:

A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss
it with his priest.

The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss
it with his doctor.

The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering
that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.

His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.

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A Rabbi and a Priest (Added On: 2011-11-19 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"
The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."
"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal",
said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but..."
So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?"
"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"
The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."
From dpn@panda.UUCP (Rambo) Wed Aug 28 12:40:51 1985
Newsgroups: net.jokes

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There were three pious monks. (Added On: 2011-10-28 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"

"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee whitener...."

"Enough!" said the head abbot, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot's instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. "What did you do last night?"
demanded the head abbot.

"I can't say! It's much too evil!"

"The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!"

"Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex
with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of
flora, my CD player..."

"Enough!" cried the head abbot. "That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy
Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

"What," asks the head abbot, "did you do this evening?"

"No, head abbot, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!"

"The agreement, monk! You must tell me!"

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbot. Last
night I...I..."

"Yes?"

"I pissed in the Holy Water."

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The Real Confession (Added On: 2011-09-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldn't hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasn't a priest to be found. Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, "You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long. "It's very simple", said the Priest. "There on the wall is a chart ... column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is." The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom. The very next person in line entered the booth and began ... "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbor's wife give me a blow job. That's it, Father". The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldn't find "blow job" anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found. Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, "Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?" "Two snickers and a Coke", replied the boy.

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There are 101 funny Religious jokes in this category.

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