Weight Loss jokes
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There are 7 funny Weight Loss jokes in this category. |
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Bathroom scale diet tricks (Added On: 2010-04-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
1. Weigh yourself
fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes
and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've
lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewellery as it could
weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy
and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound
of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has
weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel
rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing
the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will
weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.
What the Diet Says ... (Added On: 2010-03-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
black coffee
1 piece dry toast
1 sm. glass skim milk
Lunch
1 lettuce leaf
2 tomato slices
2 oz. broiled chicken
4 carrot sticks
1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter
1 cup red jello
Dinner
1/2 cup salad
1 tsp low fat Italian dressing
4 oz. hamburger patty
2 1/2 slices canned pear
1/4 cup cottage cheese
slice wheat bread
also--8 glasses of water
What You Really Eat
8 a.m. Breakfast
You skip breakfast. You're not hungry, and this gives you an extra 100
calories for the day.
10 a.m.
You decide to have that black coffee as you see the doughnuts being brought
into the office. You drink your first glass of water, proudly resisting
the doughnuts.
11 a.m.
You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your work. You look
forward to lunch.
12 p.m. Lunch
You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the jello, which you
have hated since you were a child because of that time when you got your
tonsils taken out and they gave you jello at every meal.
1 p.m.
You drink your second glass of water for the day.
1:30 p.m.
You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.
2 p.m.
You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You marvel at how
a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time. Your co-worker has
popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are too sick to even want any.
She offers you some and you decline, telling her how little you've eaten
today and how the smell of the popcorn doesn't even tempt you. She is
impressed.
3 p.m.
You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has chocolate on her desk
and there is an open invitation to take some. You do, after all, have
an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict yourself to one piece
of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50 calories ahead.
3:30 p.m.
You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the Tic Tacs in
your desk -- only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46 calories left.
3:45 p.m.
You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.
4 p.m.
You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the negative, but
optimistic. You'll skip the pear at dinner.
5 p.m.
You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to get you through
to dinnertime.
5:30 p.m.
You arrive home. A bag of crisps is blocking the way to the pasta that
you will be using to make the family dinner. After thinking twice about
it you rip open the package and eat one crisp.
5:35
You eat one more crisp.
6:30 p.m.
You eat the rest of the package of crisps, 6 tablespoons of pasta as you
cook it, and then have a big tub of Haagen Daz. You tell the family that
you are doing too well on your diet to ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.
How to use bathroom scales (Added On: 2010-01-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
When using bathroom
scales, these simple rules must be followed:
1. Always place the scale on thick shag carpeting.
2. Hold tightly onto the sink or shower rod (both when possible) and
gradually release the weight of the body onto the scale.
3. Make sure needle placement is accurate by cautiously adjusting the
little round knob on the centre-front, very slowly to the left. (Zero
is a wide number and should be treated accordingly.)
4. WARNING: Stay away from digital scales. (They are not properly adjustable
and therefore inaccurate.)
5. Do not weigh yourself constantly. Every time you stand on the scales
it stretches the little springs and wing nuts inside and slowly presses
them flat - the result, even with no weight gain whatsoever, is that the
scale makes you appear to weigh a little more each time.
The problems of a healthy diet (Added On: 2009-11-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
An elderly couple
were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you
need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked
off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about
all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Ode to Dr Atkins (Added On: 2009-08-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
I've developed
halitosis
My urine is rank and yellow
Yet I'm a happy fellow
In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,
Deviled eggs and cheese
Make no mistake:
Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away
A few each energetic day
Will it be the Boston Marathon
Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin
And I'm down to one chin
I feel eighteen again
No pain, yet I don't gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,
And making me lean
Once a major carb freak,
Now I'm getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop
But you made me stop
All those other diets are a crock
And I'm in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse
But I feel like Mr. Universe
And I had to tell somebody
About my new body.
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There are 7 funny Weight Loss jokes in this category. |
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