Weight Loss jokes
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There are 5 funny Weight Loss jokes in this category. |
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How to use bathroom scales (Added On: 2010-01-03 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
When using bathroom
scales, these simple rules must be followed:
1. Always place the scale on thick shag carpeting.
2. Hold tightly onto the sink or shower rod (both when possible) and
gradually release the weight of the body onto the scale.
3. Make sure needle placement is accurate by cautiously adjusting the
little round knob on the centre-front, very slowly to the left. (Zero
is a wide number and should be treated accordingly.)
4. WARNING: Stay away from digital scales. (They are not properly adjustable
and therefore inaccurate.)
5. Do not weigh yourself constantly. Every time you stand on the scales
it stretches the little springs and wing nuts inside and slowly presses
them flat - the result, even with no weight gain whatsoever, is that the
scale makes you appear to weigh a little more each time.
The problems of a healthy diet (Added On: 2009-11-05 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
An elderly couple
were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you
need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked
off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about
all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Ode to Dr Atkins (Added On: 2009-08-09 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
I've developed
halitosis
My urine is rank and yellow
Yet I'm a happy fellow
In the midst of Ketosis
Salmon and steaks,
Deviled eggs and cheese
Make no mistake:
Atkins is a breeze
The pounds drop away
A few each energetic day
Will it be the Boston Marathon
Or the New York ballet?
Food is a joy, not a sin
And I'm down to one chin
I feel eighteen again
No pain, yet I don't gain
Thanks Dr. Atkins for protein,
And making me lean
Once a major carb freak,
Now I'm getting sleek
I ate candy and drank sugar pop
But you made me stop
All those other diets are a crock
And I'm in your debt, Doc
I know this is bad verse
But I feel like Mr. Universe
And I had to tell somebody
About my new body.
The Quarantine Diet (Added On: 2009-03-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
A man returns from
Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and
the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests
and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely
contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta
bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get
under the door."
Bathroom Scales (Added On: 2009-01-15 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Bathroom
scales: equipment which only seems to work correctly when one
holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left.
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There are 5 funny Weight Loss jokes in this category. |
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