Weight Loss jokes
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There are 16 funny Weight Loss jokes in this category. |
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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall (Added On: 2011-04-02 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Mirror, mirror
on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look just too tight?
I think I'm fine but I can see
you won't cooperate with me;
The way you let the shadows play
You'd think my hair was getting gray
What's that, you say? A double chin?
No, that's the way the light comes in;
If you persist in peering so
You'll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you're not hanging straight
You'll tell me next I'm gaining weight;
I'm really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise -
O, look what's happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we're not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You'll find yourself in smithereens!
New Diet Rules (Added On: 2010-12-10 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
1. If you eat something,
but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet coke whilst eating a chocolate bar, the calories
in the chocolate bar are cancelled by the diet coke.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you
don't eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of
the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not
strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off
knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife,
ice cream on a spoon
10. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples
are: spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate
is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.
Cat Miracle Diet (Added On: 2010-11-17 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
Most diets fail
because we stubbornly continue to think and eat like humans. For those
us who have never had any success dieting there is the new Miracle Cat
Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of
table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The
Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure as
a cat. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not
only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what
constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any
flavour as long as it cost more than seventy-five cents per can. Eat one
bite of food then look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the
floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other
room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw
it back up on the most expensive carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost
dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's
or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.
Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half
on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you
opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the leftover chicken from the sofa.
Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on
the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought
as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over.
Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into
the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat
food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen
to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step
into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's
or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on
the nearest polished aluminium appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is
seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else
to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream
or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the
bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, assorted varieties, being sure
to leave a collection of legs, wings, and antennae on the bathroom floor.
Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's
or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go
leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin
across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food.
Select a flavour that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get
hard.
Im on a seafood diet (Added On: 2010-09-25 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
I'm on a seafood
diet...
...when I see food, I eat it.
Bathroom scale diet tricks (Added On: 2010-04-29 Rating : N/R / 5.00 Rate This Joke)
1. Weigh yourself
fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes
and before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've
lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget to remove jewellery as it could
weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy
and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound
of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has
weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel
rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing
the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will
weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped onto the scale normally.
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There are 16 funny Weight Loss jokes in this category. |
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